


It's a long journey

by melonbutterfly



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternative Sexuality, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, F/M, Issues, M/M, Pining, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, Relationship Negotiation, Sexual Identity, Slow Build, Trans Female Character, Transsexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonbutterfly/pseuds/melonbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Erik is asexual, Raven transsexual and Charles just -sexual, all of them have issues, and somehow they still manage to work it out. (Or: in which Raven tames the beast, Erik is extraordinarily oblivious, Charles pines and everyone is jealous except for Erik.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a long journey

It's the beginning of November when Raven Darkholme speaks to Erik for the first time, at the screening of "(A)sexual: Not Everyone's Doing It".

Erik generally isn't really the making friends or being social type. Not because he doesn't like having friends but because he doesn't really like being around people. The more people around him the more stressful he finds the situation; the only reason he had been at an asexuality meeting at the end of September is because he had liked the title and he had been curious. Before he came to Stanford he had never heard anyone speak of asexuality in public and he had never met anyone who identified as asexual either.

He still hasn't after that meeting, at least not really, which is why he goes to the screening; it has asexual in the title so it stands to reason that there must be asexuals in attendance, and Erik feels the rare need to talk to someone in person about it. Online forums are all fine and dandy and through them he's cleared up most of the questions about his own identity he has, but there is still something entirely different between knowing there are other people out there and actually meeting them. He's looking forwards to finally speaking to someone.

This is why he finds it a bit ironic when the first words of the first person he meets are, "I don't think I'm actually asexual."

Erik blinks and raises both eyebrows; it seems to be enough of a reply for her because she laughs and pushes her long, blond hair back self-consciously. "Yes, I know," she says. "It's just… complicated."

Naturally. Erik has heard that even heterosexuals don't have it all that easy sometimes, and they are born into a world where everybody naturally assumes their sexuality is the norm and where there's no discrimination against them. Unless they have a kink that society deems unacceptable, that is. Sometimes Erik wants to smash apart everything that pisses him off about society and put it back together in a way that makes _sense_. In a way that doesn't end up with people feeling wrong and self-conscious for years just because they can't meet society's restraining, ridiculous, unrealistic expectations.

The woman seems to see something in his face, because she smiles self-deprecatingly. "I'm not the only one it's complicated for, huh?"

Figuring that by this point it's high time for a verbal reply, Erik shrugs. "I don't think there's anyone here who had it easy."

"This is the truth," she agres sagely. She looks at him searchingly for a moment before she smiles slightly and holds out her hand. "I'm Raven."

"Erik." They shake hands, and somehow that seems to be the signal for Raven to spend the rest of the evening clinging to Erik, if not physically. Not that Erik minds all that much, but it is a bit strange, so he figures something about the film and the discussion afterwards makes her feel needy. He doesn't mind; he finds he isn't really in a talking mood after all once the film is over anyway. So he just stands around, talks a bit with Raven and memorizes faces so he'll know who might be asexual in case he goes to another event.

Raven stays with him, only occasionally vanishing for the toilet or to get something to drink or one of the snacks on offer. Erik gets the feeling she's building up to something, and eventually she turns around, looks him firmly in the eyes and says, "I'm transgender."

Erik blinks. "Okay." For a second he wonders which way; was she born with female genitalia but is actually male or was she born with male genitalia and is actually female? But it's really none of his business, and if he's honest he doesn't much like thinking about genitalia. They're strange.

It doesn't appear to be the reaction she had been expecting or wishing for, because she blinks at him for a moment. Then she catches herself and continues, "It's why I'm here. I'm not really asexual, as in I do feel sexually attracted to people, but it's a pretty new thing, and it doesn't happen often yet, because I'm still not really comfortable with my body."

Erik really doesn't know what to say to that, so he eventually settles for, "I'm asexual."

She nods and draws a deep breath, letting it out with a nervous giggle. "This is ridiculously relieving."

It is; Erik can only nod. For a moment he hesitates, but then he decides to give a little. "I've never told anyone in person."

Raven raises both eyebrows. "But I'm not the first person you're coming out to, am I?"

"No." Erik raises an eyebrow. "I did tell my father. In a letter."

Raven gives a laugh but immediately covers her mouth with her hand. "You wrote him a letter? A formal one?"

It had probably been a bit formal in language; he had been rather nervous and there had been at least thirty versions of that letter so by the time he finished the final version he honestly couldn't tell anymore whether it was good or not. He just wanted to get it over with. With a grimace, Erik remembers that it had indeed been rather impersonal. "A bit," he admits to Raven.

Her face is a mix of concealed amusement and sympathy. "You must've been so nervous."

Of course he had been. He hadn't thought his father would react badly – he loved Erik too much and they were too close for that to be a viable option – but it had still been one of the hardest things he had to do in his whole life.

"I guess I'm lucky," Raven says after a moment of silence. "I never had to tell my parents. My father died when I was seven and my mother when I was fifteen. I had figured things out by then, but I wasn't anywhere near the point where I would have told her."

Erik doesn't say he's sorry; he knows how pointless it actually is. It's a formality only to bridge a moment of awkwardness when other people don't know what else to say and want to make themselves feel better for their lack of understanding. "My mother died when I was fourteen." Was killed, rather, but that's not something he's ready to give away to an almost stranger. He's already revealed way too much; he supposes it's a result of the instant feeling of closeness these meetings inspire. It's strange, how social occasions that come with labels like this makes people feel closer than they would with a stranger they met on the street. In a way it's true, too; they know something about each other, something intimate that somebody who isn't queer probably can't really understand.

He and Raven share something else too, apparently, something else than not being heterosexual; they have both buried a parent. Two, even, in Raven's case; she's an orphan. Erik considers himself lucky that he doesn't understand that.

They spend the rest of the evening talking about lighter topics – it turns out they don't have much in common, superficially, with Raven studying Sociology and Erik being a Computer Sciences student, with Raven being talkative and outgoing (if initially a bit shy) and Erik taciturn and introverted. But surprisingly, they nevertheless get on well once they find that they share interest in a number of TV shows. Raven doesn't seem to mind that Erik doesn't use too many words and sometimes doesn't reply at all. She even seems to appreciate the fact that when Erik cares to say something, it's often dry, sarcastic or even snarky. Underneath her sweet exterior she can be quite snarky herself – Erik is surprised to find he enjoys her company.

After a couple of hours, he nevertheless has quite enough. Putting his glass away, Erik tells Raven, "I'll go home now."

A bit taken aback for a moment she blinks, but then she recovers and nods. "Sure, I guess I have an early start tomorrow too."

Erik doesn't reply – he does have an early start but he doesn't need much sleep, so that's not why he wants go home. He just has had quite enough of social interaction and company by this point. Raven watches while he puts on his coat but doesn't say a word. Only when Erik is just about to leave does she stop him.

"Wait!" she calls. "Will you give me your phone number? So we can meet up again some time."

Erik hesitates for a moment, but then he decides that he might as well. He can always not answer the phone if he doesn't feel like it, and it would be good to have some contacts for when he does feel like company. He does have some friends – acquaintances, rather – but it's a little difficult for him to facilitate friendships with other people. Erik is happy on his own; he doesn't want company often enough so that when he actually does, he has difficulties figuring out how to go about it. He theorizes that the more people he knows, the easier it will be. As far as he can tell, more social people meet up with each other all the time, so it should be less difficult to get company when he wants to if he has a wider pool of acquaintances to refer to.

This is what he thinks about on his way to his small flat; the difficulties of social interaction. People seem either intent on becoming great friends, which requires an intensity and amount of social interaction that Erik just isn't capable of, or they're not very interested. It's really quite complicated. Erik tried having intense friendships, but he's just not able to – he gets bored in company after a while, frustrated because he'd much rather go home to his computer, and it gives him headaches, even makes him nervous, almost scared. But having no friends doesn't make him completely happy either – he's content on his own, but every now and then he does feel the need to talk to a person. And he'd be lying if he said he isn't dreaming of someone to echo his thoughts with, to talk about everything he can think of, to maybe even be romantic with, but he has yet to find a person he wants all these things with. Anyway, it's probably rather impossible that that sort of person even exists with all the things they'd have to be (or not be) for Erik to truly enjoy their company. Not that he has any concrete ideas – it would be rather limiting to build up an idea of the perfect person, he thinks – but he does have some rather concrete ideas of what they can't be. Unfortunately, because that too is rather limiting.

It doesn't matter. To say Erik has given up looking would be bitter, and he doesn't presume that he'll never meet them (he's way too young to reasonably assume something like that), but he's not going to waste his time and energy actively looking when the probability of such a person existing, much less of Erik meeting them this soon in life, is rather low.

So Erik settles back into life at Stanford – it's his second year, even if he's just turned eighteen. He finished high school a year early, and good riddance, really. Raven and he talk every now and then, mostly via emails or chatting on skype, and rarely meet in person. It suits Erik very well; it allows him to get to know her without having to pay attention to all the little things about people – facial expressions, personal space – and doesn't stress him like being in public does.

Raven, it turns out, is two years older than he is; she left school at fifteen because, as she says, she couldn't live a lie anymore. Once she had finished transitioning ("as much as it's ever finished, it's a process, really, and I'm not sure I'll ever be truly done") she had caught up and is now studying sociology with a focus on sex and gender, because she's both angered and fascinated by society's generally narrow-minded, restricted views on both. She tells Erik all this in a very long-winded explanation as to why she's not attending any of the LGBT union's trans* meetings, only she doesn't ever actually get to the explanation part. Erik figures she's scared – here at Stanford nobody knows that she was born in the wrong body and had to go through a long, difficult, painful process to get where she is now. And if nobody knows she can pretend it never happened.

Erik goes home for the holidays and spends a quiet week with his father – they don't celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah passes quietly, without any gifts. They don't have much money with all they earn going into Erik's education, in addition to the scholarships. Erik sometimes worries a little about his father, who leads a quiet, secluded life – even he himself wouldn't be happy like that, and Erik is nowhere near being a people person. But he doesn't have the right to tell his father how to live his life, and anyway, he doesn't think his father is depressed. Just damaged. They both are.

When he gets back in early January, Raven insists they meet up immediately. She sounds so urgent Erik agrees to visit her flat – he's never been there, he isn't comfortable in other people's space, almost as uncomfortable as he is with other people being in his space.

Raven seems rather happy to see him, which is enough to confuse Erik (did they become good friends without him noticing?), and then she pulls out the present.

"I didn't manage to give it to you before you left," she apologizes.

"I don't have anything for you," he says, taken aback and awkward.

"It doesn't matter," she waves him off, impatient as usual. "I know you're Jewish and don't even celebrate Christmas, but I just wanted to give you something."

That's not the point, he wants to say, but he doesn't really know what the point _is_ , so he takes the present.

It's a book. A copy of Tony Stark's "Why My Robots Are The Best", which, despite the title, is a quite technical book about Stark's robots. Erik knows this because one of his professors suggested they get the book once it's released. The release date is in February.

"Raven," Erik says helplessly.

"I knew you'd like it," she replies, pink-cheeked. When all Erik can do is stare at her she hastily adds, "Don't worry, I didn't have to sell all the family jewels and prostitute myself to earn enough money so I can blackmail the right people so they'll give it to me."

That's good to know, but Erik hadn't been worried about precisely that. "Raven," he says again. "This book isn't even released yet." Which many people had criticized was a bad decision commercially, seeing as it just missed the Christmas boom, but Stark had said he refused to have his book end up as Christmas presents for idiots with barely enough brain cells to understand the blurb. Erik might or might not be platonically crushing on the snarky asshole (he's not fond of the term "squish" because it sounds like he actually wants to squish Stark, as in touch him, which he really, really doesn't).

"I didn't think you'd be this delighted," Raven says happily. "It's quite adorable."

Erik has never been delighted in all his life, and he really does not appreciate being called adorable, or spoken about like that. His face apparently betrays his displeasure and extreme discomfort, because she takes one look at him and hastily backtracks. "Okay, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Erik." Hesitantly, she reaches out to touch his underarm. "I'm sorry." She waits until he nods, still uncomfortable and refusing to look at her, before continuing. "It's like this. You know that Tony Stark used to be a student here?"

Throat a little tight, Erik nods tensely. It's a bit hard to escape since Stanford likes to boast with the fact that Tony Stark did a couple of his degrees here. Especially with Erik studying Computer Sciences – there are still students who claim to have known him, which isn't all that unlikely actually since he left only two years ago.

"And you remember how I told you that my brother has been here for four years?"

Yes, Erik remembers that – he had filed it away as unimportant information. He doesn't much care about Raven's brother. He has never seen him and all he knows about him is what Raven tells him.

"Well, they sort of became friends," Raven says. "You see, my brother is a bit of a genius as well, and they were both underage, and I suppose they have some things in common. They're still friends, and Charles had Tony's book lying around over Christmas, so I got the idea, and I asked Tony, and here's the book. It really wasn't any trouble at all, I swear, Tony is a bit like a brother to me too by this point. Okay?"

Erik swallows and looks down at the book in his lap. "Okay."

Raven lets out a little breath. "Okay." There's a brief moment of silence, and then she clears her throat. "Uhm, don't freak out now, but I think it might have a dedication. You see, he gave it to me wrapped, and I didn't think about it until just now, but it might be a little personalized." When Erik looks at her, he finds that she's staring at the book a bit like it's a snake poised to strike.

Not really knowing what the problem would be with a personalized dedication (Erik doesn't really understand the autograph thing. If you don't sell it it's not useful for anything but as proof that you touched something the person touched, and that’s a bit pathetic in his opinion.) Erik opens the book. He reads the words written with red sharpie on the inside of the hardcover and closes the book again.

He clears his throat. "Well. It's a bit… graphic."

Raven tenses. "What does it say?"

Opening the book again, Erik reads out, "For my beloved Raven's friend Erik. Listen, buddy, if you hurt her I will personally remove your testicles with a rusty spoon. Love, Tony Stark."

With a groan, Raven covers her face with both hands. "Oh, god! I _told_ him it's not like that, but will he listen? I'm going to _kill_ him."

Erik gives her a moment to be mortified in peace (in his personal experience, one needs a moment to wallow in it because otherwise the moving on part is a bit difficult) before he asks, "Does he think we're romantically involved?"

"I think _Charles_ thinks it," Raven tells him pathetically. "I keep telling him we're not, and he claims to believe me, but sometimes he looks at me with narrowed eyes… oh god. He _knows_ I'm far from ready for a sexual relationship."

"I'm not ever going to have a sexual relationship," Erik reminds her. Then he shifts. What he has to say next will be quite awkward, but he'd rather get it out of the way; it's never come up before but if he doesn't make it clear now he'll always wonder if he should have and if maybe Raven thinks there might be something more between them. "And while I am technically open for a romantic relationship, I'm not romantically attracted to you."

"I know," Raven replies hastily. "I'm not, well, romantically interested in you either. It's all platonic. But Charles doesn't know you're asexual, so he probably thinks… and he must have told Tony, and Tony pulled out his protective older brother thing." She gestures towards the book and grimaces. "He doesn't have any family so he gets a bit territorial which I don't mind usually but... listen, Erik, I'm really sorry about that, I should have checked- if you'll give me the book I'll go and hit Tony with it and make sure he gives me a proper one without the word "testicles" in it."

Ah. Erik had been rather looking forward to reading it, actually. "That's fine, I don't care," he ensures her, grip on the book tightening. He doesn't care about the testicles. Any testicles, actually.

She seems skeptical. "You sure? It's really no problem, he _deserves_ to be beaten up with his own book."

"Maybe you can use your brother's edition to hit him," Erik suggests. He's really unwilling to part with his book – he might not have owned it for even half an hour yet, but he doesn't intend to give it away ever.

Raven mulls that over for a second. "I could do that, actually. Especially since it's likely that one has the word "testicles" in it too. Tony and Charles are friends with benefits," she adds with a grimace at Erik's raised eyebrow.

Erik nods and tries to think of a topic to distract her with so she'll stop thinking about taking his book away. "You disapprove?"

"Oh, no, not really," she waves it off. "It's just that Charles, well." She grimaces. "Sometimes it just seems like he's all about the sexual attraction and not at all about the romantic attraction."

"Why is that bad?" Erik wants to know. "If that's they way he is."

"Oh, I don't mind." She flaps her hand. "Tony is that way, I suspect. But Charles… he's afraid of emotional attachment."

"Are you sure, or do you just think that because you'd prefer it that way?" Erik knows something about that. For a while he used to think he was bisexual because he wasn't exhibiting any attraction either way, and then he thought he was just too traumatized by his mother's death to develop sexual attraction. The former is only conditionally true – he's bi- or rather panromantic, he figures – and the latter isn't true at all.

"No. I would be _fine_ with it if that's the way it is," she emphasizes. "But… he gets into a relationship, and it goes fine, it goes great, but when he realizes he's getting emotionally attached he just… completely freaks out. I'm not sure I even should tell you this, but it just _worries_ me so much."

She actually has _tears_ in her eyes all of a sudden, so Erik can tell. He has no idea what the heck he's meant to do now; you're supposed to hug a crying person, right? But she isn't really crying, and it's not like he and Raven have never hugged before, except she hugged him as a greeting earlier. This is entirely different, though.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, voice watery as she flaps her hand, covering her mouth with one hand. "It's just, over Christmas we had an argument, and he won't even _listen_ -"

A bit uncomfortable when she starts crying for real, Erik shifts. He casts his eyes across the room looking for tissues, and he eventually finds a box under the coffee table. Absently putting his book away, he goes to get it. Raven manages to utter a watery "thank you" when he hands it to her, and Erik avoids his gaze, thinks about it for a moment. Eventually he just can't bear the awkward situation and the way she tries to suppress her sniffles anymore and sits a little closer, puts one arm around her shoulders clumsily.

It seems to be all Raven needs; immediately, she leans into him and hides her face in his chest, catching her tears in the tissue she presses to her eyes. Erik really doesn't know what to do so he pats her back awkwardly and thinks about his upcoming courses; the Winter Quarter will start in a couple of days. He's taking his usual four courses, one of which is a little out of his comfort zone. Modeling Biomedical Systems sounds interesting, but Erik has never done anything relating to biology before, so he's curious how it'll turn out. Each quarter he tries to take a course he wouldn't have considered taking purely for the pleasure of challenging himself. He believes it adds to his skill set and broadens his general knowledge of computer sciences. In autumn quarter, he took a course in computer graphics and imaging and it proved interesting; last year he did different courses ranging from law to psychology. Some turned out more interesting than he had thought, others hadn't, but that had only made him more determined not to fail.

Eventually, Raven detaches herself from him. "Sorry," she sniffles and blows her nose. "It's just, family, you know?"

Erik doesn't, not really; he and his father don't fight. He's not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing.

"Ugh," she says a little later, after she's blown her nose a couple of times and washed her face. "Let's recover our dignity by watching Die Hard."

It takes Erik a moment to get it. "I can't see any dignity anywhere, so it can't have been lost," he replies.

She giggles, puts the movie in and gets a bag of chips.

Erik puts the incident mostly out of his mind; he doesn't really care about her brother's emotional troubles and remembers the evening mostly as the one where Raven gave him one of his most favorite books in existence. Also the evening where she gave him a present and sent him into a frenzy trying to find something to give her in return, because no matter what she said, he knows it isn't right to get a present from her and not give anything back. Eventually, because his funding is limited, he gives her a voucher for five social events of her choice Erik will attend with her, because she keeps complaining about having nobody to go with to Things. He wouldn't usually go no matter how much she complains because he's not fond of going out but it's the only thing he can think of and he figures he'll survive.

This is how he ends up at an event of LGBT community's "Binary Week" titled "Practical Sluttery: Queering the Partnered/Single Binary" in early April. Raven asked him if he wanted to go, he said no, and then she had asked if he would be willing to go if she used her voucher (she always asked, even with the voucher, saying that she'd never force him if he really didn't want to go – he had said no twice and yes three times so far). Erik had considered it and eventually said yes, because he was vaguely curious. Being asexual, he figures he doesn't have much to contribute, but it'll be interesting to see how things look from the other end of the spectrum.

The event is made up of two parts; some person who wrote a book about polyamory reads and talks to them for the first hour, and the second hour is made up of discussion. Raven listens with furrowed brows, deep in thought, which makes Erik wonder whether she's wondering if she's polyamorous. She hasn't said anything but he does know that she still doesn't know where she stands sexually or even romantically, really. "I do want a relationship," she explained to him more than once, "very much so, actually. But I'm not sure whether I could deal with the physical aspect just yet." She agonizes over whether that's a normal part of the transitioning process or if it's a problem only she deals with; Erik thinks she should just go to a trans* meeting already, where she'll meet people who know intimately how she feels and who'll be much more likely be able to help her. He even offered he'd go with her, no voucher necessary; he's this close to just telling her they'll go. The only reason he hesitates is that he's not sure whether it'd be a good idea to pressure her.

All in all, Erik finds the event vaguely interesting; he even wonders if it doesn't in fact apply to him, at least in an abstract sense. He can only wonder hypothetically, but if he were romantically involved, would he mind if his partner were to have sex with other people? It's not an unlikely scenario unless Erik gets involved with somebody else who identifies as asexual, which would be ideal but make the prospect of him finding someone even more unlikely.

Nevertheless, Erik would likely have forgotten the event rather quickly if it weren't for Raven's brother. They're standing at the menu, wondering what to eat, when Raven suddenly exclaims, "Charles? What are you doing here?"

Only the surprise evident in her voice saves her from Erik's ire; she takes him to this sort of event because she has nobody else to go with (or at least that's what she says, Erik can't quite believe a person as social as her doesn't have any other actual friends), and she could definitely have gone with her brother instead if he's here as well. But naturally only if she had known he was attending as well, which she evidently had not.

Her brother, for his part, seems equally surprised. "Raven? What are you doing here?"

Then they seem to be caught at the dead end of each other's stupid questions and stare at each other in confusion and surprise for a moment. Erik makes use of that time to look at Charles unchecked; he doesn't really remember what all Raven had to say about him (which had probably been a lot over the course of the past couple of months), so it's a reasonably independent first impression.

What Erik notes first of all is that Raven and Charles don't look much alike, apart from the striking blue eyes. Raven is taller than Charles; where she is blond her brother's hair is dark brown and unruly. They both have sweet faces that appear homely at first sight but turn out to be more beautiful the longer you look.

And this is where Erik stops his observation. It's perfectly fine to notice a friend's aesthetically attractive features; it's very different if it's a stranger. Even if said stranger is her brother – that doesn't make him any less unknown to Erik.

"Do you think you're polyamorous?" Raven asks incredulously, the first to get over the awkward silence.

Charles raises an eyebrow. "Rest easy, love, for I don't. I'm a slut. There's a difference." He glances at Erik and adds, clearly addressing Raven still, "What about you? Are you considering acquiring a harem for yourself?"

Erik finds this rather insensitive, considering the issues Raven has with her sexuality. A sharp retort rests on the tip of his tongue but he holds it back; he doesn't know Charles, doesn't know the dynamic between him and Raven, and also Raven is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Raven flushes. Her fingernails dig into Erik's arm where she takes hold of him as she says, "You're an ass, Charles." She makes as if to turn and march away, dragging Erik with her, but her brother stops them.

"Wait. I'm sorry. I was just…"

"Pulling an asshole overprotective brother move because apparently my word counts for absolutely nothing?" Raven interrupts angrily. She turns to Erik, eyes flashing. "You tell him, Erik, because clearly I can tell him until I'm blue in the face, he won't believe me."

Erik has absolutely no intention at all of getting dragged into this; he and Charles haven't even been introduced and he has no idea what the hell is going on between the siblings. "I think I will go home now," he says.

Raven's eyes widen and the anger fades from her face. "Oh, no! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do this to you." She lets go of his arm and smooths out nonexistent creases. "Let's go get something to eat. Charles and I are sorry, right, Charles?"

"Absolutely," Charles says earnestly. He seems a bit confused, but sincere. "I didn't mean to do this. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. Let's just sit down and have some of that blue jell-o, okay?" Raven coaxes.

"Fine." Erik acquiesces, but he makes the firm decision to leave at the first sign of discord between the siblings. He's not going to sit there as the awkward third wheel while the Xaviers have a private spat in public, especially not if they try to drag him into it as well.

The three of them get food and then take a table; Erik has a feeling and picks a seat somewhat apart from other occupied tables. On the way there Charles and Raven start to hiss behind Erik's back, but when he turns around and sends them both a quelling glance they stop guiltily.

"Seriously," Erik says when they sit down, looking at them both with narrowed eyes. He's frustrated enough not to care that Charles is effectively a stranger to him. "What the hell is going on with you two?"

Raven and Charles share a glance but don't say a word. Erik glares at both of them. He's seriously pissed; the both of them almost started a scene in public and there are few things Erik hates more, and they tried to drag him into it.

Finally, just when Erik is ready to just get up and leave after all, Charles shifts and tells Raven, "I really am sorry about what I just said. I didn't mean it."

Face lowered, Raven just nods. Erik is startled to find that she looks like she's about to cry. From Charles' wide eyes, it seems he comes to the same realization; they share an alarmed look. Feeling a little helpless – even prolonged exposure to Raven, who does cry every now and then, hasn't taught Erik how to deal with situations like this – Erik pushes his portion of blue jell-o across the table towards her. Charles for his part starts to babble.

"I really didn't mean it, Raven, I'm _sorry_. I just- lately you've made me feel so defensive because of how I have sex without relationships."

"Oh, shut up," Raven snaps, voice wavering a little, but still more annoyed than anything else. "I'm sorry too." She flaps her hand. "I just… feel so wrong, and it makes me angry when you pretend everything is okay."

Great. It's probably a good thing they're talking, evidently they really need it, but Erik would rather be anywhere than here right now. He starts shoveling his food into his mouth, more to have something as a distraction than in order not to waste a free meal.

"I don't pretend everything is okay," Charles replies quietly. "I just don't see the point in endlessly talking about things. They're not going to get better from that."

"How do you know?" Raven's voice is just as quiet. "You've never tried."

They fall silent, and now _both_ of them look like they're about to cry. Clearly, there are a lot if issues at work. Erik quickly shovels the last bite into his mouth and then rises abruptly. Both Raven and Charles jump and stare at him with equally wide-eyed expressions.

"I have class," Erik says curtly. It's only half a lie, he still has a good hour until his Experimental Robotics class starts, but even if he didn't, he wouldn't care. He turns around and leaves.

He isn't angry, per se. He's just incredibly uncomfortable – he just had to witness an emotional fall-out betraying the deep issues between Raven and her brother. In public. All he wants is to get as far away from it as possible.

Within half an hour, Erik gets five texts, three of which are apologies – two from Charles (he's very apologetic, especially since this was their first meeting), one from Raven – and two which are probably independent attempts by both of them to make it up to him. Their methods are pretty similar, though; both of their suggestions seem a bit like bribery. Raven also suggests he accept Charles' first offer because if he doesn't Charles' offers are only going to get more outrageous.

This is how Erik ends up letting Charles take him out to dinner. He only accepts because Raven scares him with stories of the things Charles did in the past to apologize to her (all of them loud, big, and often public in some way), and he makes Charles promise the only thing he'll do is pay for food (outrageously expensive, if he must, but as private a restaurant as possible). Shortly after these stipulations have been texted to Charles he gets a text with Charles' assurances that he will definitely behave and the question "French Molecular Gastronomy or Greek?"

Grateful for the choice, Erik picks Greek – he is curious about molecular gastronomy but he'd not be comfortable having such a meal with a virtual stranger. Much rather he'd have some food he knows he'll enjoy and that'll be filling so that the stress of interacting with Charles will be balanced out by nice, free food. After that, Erik gets _another_ text asking whether Erik will be free Friday evening, if not, he can pick any time that's convenient for him. His phone hasn't seen this much action since… never, actually. Normally Erik doesn't receive or send this many text in a month.

He texts back that Monday evening would be best for him – he does have time on Friday but that's way too soon for his comfort. He needs some quiet time to himself to relax. Charles soon texts back that he's reserved a table for eight, he'll pick Erik up at his place at half seven, and that's the moment Erik realizes that it sounds awfully like a date.

Thankfully, he has three full days to freak out and calm down again before Monday rolls around. It's _not _a date; it's bribery. This is how apologies work; a person wrongs another and to apologize they have to grovel (sometimes to the point of humiliating themselves in public, depending on the person they're apologizing to (if someone did that to Erik, they'd be making it infinitely worse), the nature of the relationship and the gravity of the infraction), followed by bribery in the form of gifts. Erik has had some opportunity to observe this, though he himself hasn't experienced it all that often. He doesn't really get angry, and if he does, he doesn't see how anything the other person does could make it better. Knowing their motives is the only thing that could change Erik's opinion, for the better or the worse, but in the end he'll have to work out on his own whether he's willing to forgive and how long it's going to take until he's comfortable with the person again.__

__That is not what the dinner is about, though. Charles apologizes to make himself feel better; Erik does him the favor of accepting mostly out of self-preservation, because he's afraid of what Charles will do if Erik doesn't let him. Once, he had apparently had fifty red roses delivered to Raven as an apology – which in itself seems an excessive but acceptable gesture, if they hadn't been delivered in front of all her friends. Erik does _not_ want something similar to happen to him, even if he doesn't have all that many friends._ _

__By Monday Erik has made peace with that too, so he's in a relatively content mood when Charles picks him up, apart from the general tension he always feels when he goes out in public or has to interact with people. The weather has gotten unreasonably warm (in Erik's opinion) over the week-end, Monday being the peak in temperature so far, so Erik wears a t-shirt and jeans; Charles is dressed similarly casual, wearing a v-necked shirt and trousers. His clothes clearly are of higher quality than Erik's, but that's not what Erik cares about – what he cares about is that Charles probably didn't dress for a date. Good._ _

__"Let's do it right this time," Charles says, smiling charmingly at Erik as he holds out his hand. "Hi. I'm Charles, Raven's older brother."_ _

__"Hello," Erik returns dryly. "I'm Erik, not Raven's boyfriend." It's perhaps not the most diplomatic thing to say, but he wants to make this perfectly clear – he and Raven are friends, and there will never be more between them._ _

__Charles winces and grimaces. "Yes. She's taken great care to impress that upon me. Repeatedly. Sorry." They both get into the car and Charles starts driving. His voice is somewhat wistful when he explains, "It's just that she doesn't have many friends, and she talks about you the most."_ _

__This brings a frown to Erik's face; it's entirely news to him. He's been under the impression that Raven is a popular, social person – he can't imagine her being anything else. "She does?"_ _

__Charles sends him a surprised glance. "Yes. You're the first person she's befriended since her transition, and she had difficulties finding friends before." He hunches his shoulders a bit. "I'm just… worried."_ _

__And jealous, Erik guesses. From what he could figure out (Raven's never come out and said it; otherwise he might have realized that she isn't as outgoing as he had assumed), during her transition Charles was the only person Raven could rely on. Even before, he was the one she trusted most – they're close, naturally. After their father died and their mother started to neglect them Charles sort of took over the parental role for Raven and this, Raven's told him, both brought them closer and set them further apart. Erik had always assumed Raven had many friends (she's sweet, mostly self-confident after first contact and beautiful), but if Erik really is the first person she's really close with apart from Charles… naturally, that would be difficult for Charles._ _

__Erik doesn't know how that makes him feel. He doesn't want to come between the siblings but really, what's going on between them is none of his business. Unfortunately, now that he's in contact with Charles he slowly starts to remember all the things Raven's told him about her brother – from stray comments to whole conversations. Frankly it's uncomfortable, knowing so much about Charles without even ever having had a proper conversation with the guy. He can't just pretend not to know things. Also, it raises the question what Raven told Charles about him._ _

__"So what are you studying?" Charles asks._ _

__"Computer Sciences, with a focus on Artificial Intelligence," Erik replies, a bit dubious. He's sure Raven must have talked to Charles – in fact, Charles had said so himself. He must have known this._ _

__Then again, Erik has no idea what Charles actually does, so maybe when she talked about him to her brother Raven left out the essential information just like she left it out when talking about Charles to Erik._ _

__"What do you do?"_ _

__"Oh, I'm working on my doctorate," Charles tells him. "Bioinformatics." He sends Erik a brief grin before focusing back on the street. "So there's actually some overlap between our fields."_ _

__Indeed. Erik quickly latches on to that – it's a common ground and it's a much safer topic than anything relating to Raven, and much more comfortable to talk about than anything personal. But when he asks after the topic of Charles' thesis Charles waves it off, saying "it has to do with genomes, it's pretty boring, I suppose."_ _

__Erik frowns. "If it's boring, why are you doing it?"_ _

__A little taken aback, Charles says, "Well, of course it's not boring to _me,_ but it probably would be to you?"_ _

__"Let me be the judge of that." Erik crosses his arms. "If I weren't interested, I wouldn't have asked."_ _

__There's a brief moment where Charles glances at him, and then, inexplicably, he grins. "Okay. I'm working on the development of a visualization tool for multiple genome mapping."_ _

__This makes Erik grin; he has no idea what that is, but there's no way he's going to concede the point. He says, "Explain."_ _

__The topic carries them through the whole drive to a cozy, surprisingly not posh Greek restaurant. They're seated immediately, and after they've picked their food they continue talking about Charles' thesis, which segues into what precisely Erik is doing. It turns out Charles has a pretty broad, if somewhat superficial knowledge of the field, focused mostly on robotics. "One of my friends works in that area," he says vaguely when Erik comments on it; he is most likely speaking of Tony Stark. Erik wonders whether he doesn't mention the name because he's trying not to name-drop or something like that or for a different reason, but he doesn't care all that much._ _

__The food is nice and the conversation, surprisingly so, as well. By the time Charles drops Erik off in front if his building he's very surprised to find that he not only enjoyed himself but would really like to repeat a similar evening._ _

__Charles seems to feel similarly; he smiles at Erik and says, "I had fun. I'd like to do this again sometime, if that's okay with you?"_ _

__Normally, Erik would shrug and give a noncommittal answer such as "maybe" or outright tell the person that it's not likely, but since that isn't applicable here he sees no reason to be coy. "I'd like that," he replies honestly and is rewarded with a surprisingly sweet smile._ _

__"I'll call you, then," Charles says and drives away before Erik can tell him that he isn't that fond of phone conversations._ _

__This is how Erik ends up answering the phone the following evening (something which he usually rarely does; he takes care of whatever he can via email or the occasional text). He's been mulling over whether he should or not ever since Charles' parting words – on the one hand, he just doesn't answer the phone, no matter who it is. He's very on top of his email and everybody who needs to knows that Erik isn't reachable via phone (and that is really all they need to know – and also all there is to it, really). On the other, conversation flowed very easily between them, even more easily than with Raven when they first met, so the thought of talking on the phone with Charles doesn't repel Erik as much as it should._ _

__By the time his mobile rings just as Erik's starting on making dinner he still hasn't come to a decision, so before he can think any more about it he just answers._ _

__"Hey, Erik," Charles says warmly into his ear. "Do you have a moment?"_ _

__"Sure, I was just about to make dinner anyway." Erik has never needed to use the loudspeaker function on his phone and he figures he isn't going to get another opportunity (this is definitely an exception that is not going to be repeated), so he presses the button and puts his phone on the counter. Then he waits, listening as Charles' voice, now tinny, fills his one-room-apartment – it's not too quiet, he can work with this. It's a good thing, because he doesn't have a headset._ _

__"Oh, cool, I was just about to do the same," Charles replies easily. Then he laughs. "Well, I'm about to nuke leftover take-away, which probably doesn't really count, but it's still preparation of food for tea, so it doesn't not count either."_ _

__"Okay," Erik says. There isn't much he can say to that. "I'm making rice. Which also doesn't require much preparation."_ _

__"Well, we're students, we're practically honor-bound to eat crappily. We can eat healthy once we're proper responsible adults," Charles quips. Erik doesn't tell him that he couldn't afford to eat properly healthy even if he wanted to (which he does; some more vegetables and especially meat wouldn't go unappreciated with him). He has already learned that Charles, like Raven, is casually entitled in a way that should probably be aggravating but only fills Erik with a sort of wondering curiosity at how completely different their backgrounds are. It's truly amazing how it sometimes seems like they're from entirely different worlds, even living right next to each other._ _

__"So, that program you mentioned you're working on?" Charles continues. He sounds a bit different now and there's noise in the background, so he probably turned on the loudspeaker as well. "I mentioned it to my friend, Tony, and he's very curious. He'd like to talk to you about it. What do you think?"_ _

__Erik thinks that he's not entirely comfortable having his work – his private, non-course-related program that he works on whenever he has the time out of pure flight of fancy and enjoyment – discussed by other people. Yes, he's mentioned it to Charles, but only off-handedly, and he would have preferred if Charles had asked before talking to somebody else about it. No matter who that somebody is. "Why did you talk about my program?" he asks, voice carefully neutral._ _

__Charles is quiet for a moment. "Uhm," he makes then, perplexed at first, then regretful as he continues, "I'm sorry, I didn't think- I didn't consider whether you'd be comfortable with that. I'm sorry. I just thought it's so marvelous, a personality matrix, you're way ahead of time, and Tony generally is too, so I thought it'd be brilliant if you could talk about it together… but you're right, it wasn't my place. I'm sorry."_ _

__Ah. Erik wonders if this is a common trait in Xaviers – Raven too had felt the need to involve him in her social life (this is how Erik had gotten the impression Raven had many friends – at the beginning of their acquaintance, after she had realized that he doesn't have any friends, she had tried to drag him to social events or just "coffee with so and so", until he finally managed to impress upon her how encroaching and patronizing that sort of behavior is). "Charles," he says. At the beginning he had been vaguely diplomatic with Raven, or at least as diplomatic as he had the patience to be, but he doesn't have much of that patience left, considering this is the second Xavier he has to teach about boundaries. "I am content with my life and especially with the amount of social interaction in it."_ _

__"Right." Charles sounds embarrassed. "Of course. But… that's not really what I was doing, truly. I promise, it was really mostly about the program. I sincerely think it's marvelous. And Tony is honestly interested; he isn't one to be polite about things like that."_ _

__Apparently, as well as his patience his annoyance too had been mostly spent on Raven, so Erik sighs and gives in. "Fine. But not this week." One stranger a week is more than enough, in his opinion._ _

__"Of course," Charles says. Erik can't quite tell if he's placating or soothing him or what, but it frustrates him a little – or a lot, if he's honest with himself, which he generally tries to be._ _

__"I'm not shy," he bites. His mother always used to fuss at him for his small number of friends and his father adopted the practice after her death, perhaps feeling like it was his duty. Most of the people he interacts with tend to pity him for his small number of friends and some of them invite him along to their social gatherings out of that pity and self-perceived magnanimity. Frankly, it pisses Erik off and he has quite enough of it, really. Raven learned quickly, and anyway, with her it had been more sympathy than pity (and now Erik understands why), and Charles better do too, because he doesn't have the patience anymore. "I'm not insecure. I don't secretly long for friends but don't know how to go about making them. The simple fact is that I just don't feel the need for social interaction. Most of the time, people annoy me. I'm most comfortable on my own."_ _

__There's silence on the other end of the line; Erik wonders if he should regret his outburst or not. He decides not to. Charles was being presumptuous and condescending and imposing his own expectations and ideas on Erik._ _

__"I'm sorry," Charles says eventually. "I didn't mean to, ah, assume."_ _

__It calms Erik somewhat. "If I want to interact with somebody, I do so. I'm friends with Raven, and I do have some other people I talk to. I don't need anybody to fix me up with their friends because they feel sorry for me."_ _

__"That's not what it was," Charles says, sounding a bit annoyed now. For some reason Erik likes that, this bite in Charles' otherwise affable manner. "I just thought you'd enjoy talking about this with someone who is more knowledgeable on the subject than I. I would have done this with anybody."_ _

__"Really?"_ _

__Charles sighs, clearly irritated. "Almost anybody," he admits grudgingly. "Tony doesn't just talk to anyone who works on the same things he works on."_ _

__"Thought so." Erik is smug and, strangely, placated by this admittance. "If Stark is really interested, I'm sure he can get ahold of some of my work via the faculty. If he's still interested after that, he can contact me." Then he decides to give a little. "That program was private, Charles. I'm just playing around. It's not beautiful, it's not high-quality, it's not _good_. It's experimentation as much as it's dalliance. I didn't think to tell you that."_ _

__Charles breathes out through his nose. "Okay. I'll ask next time."_ _

__"I'll tell you next time." As soon as he's said the words, Erik realizes that he just had a fight that didn't end with him avoiding the situation because he didn't know how to deal with it. He has no idea if that's due to it being Charles personally, or Charles as an almost-stranger, or the fact that it was carried out over the phone._ _

__They're both quiet for a moment. Erik's rice is almost finished; he turns off the heat and gets out a bowl. There's a ping on Charles' end of the line, the microwave, most likely._ _

__"So," Charles says eventually. "Can I ask you something?"_ _

__"Sure." Erik doesn't understand why people feel the need to ask questions like that. For one, it's already a question, and secondly, it's sort of stupid. He can ask anything he wants; what he should ask if Erik will answer._ _

__"You said you're most comfortable on your own."_ _

__It's a statement, not a question, but Erik can tell that Charles is hesitant and needs some encouragement. "Yes."_ _

__"What about…" Charles blows out a frustrated breath. "If there are things you don't want to think about."_ _

__Still not a question, but clearly, this is very difficult for Charles. It's not difficult to figure out why. "You mean, how not to hear those kinds of thoughts in the silence."_ _

__"Yes. What do you do?"_ _

__"I program," Erik says easily. "Thoughts aren't noisy in that way. If you have something else to occupy your brain with, you can't think about things." He's silent for a moment, wondering how far he should go, how much he should reveal._ _

__Charles speaks up before he can decide. "But sometimes you can't help it."_ _

__"Yes." Erik takes a deep breath and wonders how the hell they got here. Right, Charles asked him if he could ask him a question. That question still hasn't come, technically. "Sometimes you just have to have them. If you don't, they'll overwhelm you eventually. If you allow them sometimes, you can control them better."_ _

__"Can you?" Charles' voice wobbles just the tiniest bit._ _

__"Yes." Erik takes a deep breath. He doesn't know if he should say the next part – it's not exactly comforting, but he doesn't want to patronize. "Most of the time."_ _

__Of course, Charles latches on to that. "But what if you can't?"_ _

__"Then you might end up on a bridge, looking down and wondering what would happen."_ _

__Erik didn't plan to say that; he didn't even know it had been close enough to be thought. It just fell out of his mouth. He's not sure he recognizes the way his voice sounds in that moment._ _

__Charles takes a sharp breath. "Erik…"_ _

__"I don't believe for one moment that not everybody has been in a moment like that at one point in their life," Erik says sharply. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."_ _

__Charles is quiet._ _

__"As long as you're always aware that you're not going to go through with it," Erik continues. "That it's not a solution. And if you're at a point where it seems like one, you have to look for help."_ _

__"Is that what you did?" Charles' voice is but a whisper. "When you were on the bridge?"_ _

__Of course he'd ask. There's no reason to be ashamed, Erik reminds himself firmly. "Yes." He looks at his bowl of rice, not really hungry anymore. "I had a suicide hotline's number programmed into my mobile, because I knew… well, I knew I wasn't in a good state of mind, and talking to strangers is easier."_ _

__"Because you don't know them."_ _

__"Because they don't know you," Erik corrects gently. "You don't have to care what they think about you. They don't know anybody you know. There's no connection at all." He's not sure whether he should say the next part but decides not to wear kid gloves with Charles. He himself wouldn't want to be treated that way either, especially not with a topic like that. "You know this. It's why you're talking to me instead of anybody actually close to you."_ _

__Charles gives a little laugh that sounds closer to a sob than anything else. "We're not talking about anything."_ _

__"Don't backtrack now," Erik snaps. "Charles. You should talk to Raven about this."_ _

__"Of course," Charles says. "I will." He's lying, Erik can tell._ _

__"My mother was murdered when I was fourteen," Erik says. Charles is slipping away from him, and he's not going to let that happen without a fight, not considering what they just talked about. "I was in a car with her. Someone rammed us from behind, drove her off the street. He dragged her out of the car and abducted her, and it took him ten days to kill her. My father never got over it." He lets out a breath. "I didn't either."_ _

__"There are some things you don't get over," Charles agrees, voice distant, but he's back with Erik._ _

__"There are some things you're not meant to get over." He firmly believes this._ _

__"My father committed suicide when I was seven. He… Raven doesn't remember this, and I tried to protect her, but he wasn't a good father. My mother just… fell apart. She became an alcoholic. We had… I don't know if you know this, but we're loaded, so we had servants, so we weren't neglected, but I still had to take care of Raven. When I was just barely sixteen, mother finally managed to accomplish what she'd been trying to do for nine years. I got guardianship of Raven." Charles breathing is ragged. "My life wasn't terrible, Erik. I know it could have been a lot worse. I don't want to kill myself. I don't even really think about it. It's just… I get so angry at them sometimes."_ _

__"They fucked up," Erik says bluntly. "You have a right to be angry, at your mother especially."_ _

__There's a long silence. Erik doesn't know what to do or say – he has said what needed to be said, as far as he knows, and this topic is clearly exhausted. Unless Charles brings something else up, but he doesn't seem inclined to do so._ _

__Eventually, Erik thinks of something to say. "Charles." He waits until there's an acknowledging noise from the other end before continuing. "I really don't think we can reasonably consider each other strangers anymore."_ _

__Charles snorts. "I thought we were acquaintances, before."_ _

__"Yes, well. What I'm trying to say is, if you have people you have sex with and people you talk about biology with and people you talk about surfing with, you should also have someone you talk about bad things with." They had talked about it yesterday, how one generally has different friends (or groups of friends) to do different things with – to be different people with._ _

__"Do you have someone you talk about bad things with?" Charles inevitably asks._ _

__"I think I do now," Erik replies, and he's completely terrified because he's never talked about this sort of thing with anybody except during very rare, exceptional occasions. But he thinks that if that is the agreed upon label for his and Charles' relations, it should be easier. Better than therapy; the one-sidedness of that had always made Erik uncomfortable. It's okay at the beginning but then it gets weird._ _

__Charles blows out a breath. "Yes." Then he gives a small laugh. "Sounds like it won't be any fun at all."_ _

__"You can't have sex with everybody," Erik drawls, and somehow, he knows things are alright._ _

__Over the next couple of weeks, something strange happens. Erik and Raven's friendship stays the same, but a strange relationship develops between him and Charles. It's not like any other relationship Erik has ever had, because there's no smalltalk. They don't talk about their day to each other, the weather, small things that annoyed or delighted them. Instead, Charles calls him and they talk about things that are decidedly not small. Erik doesn't call Charles – he still hates that, though for some reason he's mostly fine answering the phone if Charles calls him, maybe because he knows he doesn't have to pretend or be friendly or nice. He sends rambling emails instead, sometimes more stream of consciousness than anything else, and sometimes Charles replies, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes Charles sends such an email, and sometimes they exchange texts – the texts are for small things that still aren't something one can talk about with just anyone. "I just don't feel obliged to be upbeat with you," Charles tells him once. "It's very relaxing."_ _

__Erik never feels obliged to be upbeat with anybody, but he does feel obliged to be polite, at least. He also hates embarrassing himself by saying what's on his mind – trivial things, or inappropriately biting and sarcastic, and sometimes there's just nothing. Charles doesn't mind that sort of thing. He never pauses awkwardly or falls into hurt silence; he snaps back, and sometimes they're very rude to each other, but there are never any hurt feelings, strangely. And even when there's nothing to say, the silence isn't pressurizing._ _

__It's a very strange relationship, and Erik marvels because it works, for both of them. Charles finds it strange also, he tells him as much – "I don't understand why it works," he says, "why I can talk to you about things I can't talk to anybody else about, but you're the only one."_ _

__However, they never meet in person. Erik sees Raven every now and then, but Charles doesn't ever suggest meeting up, and Erik certainly doesn't either. Maybe Charles is, just like Erik, worried that their relationship would irrevocably change if they met in person. They know things about each other now, incredibly intimate things that they had no idea about the two times they met face to face. Erik worries that that uncommitted intimacy will fall apart if they meet. It's fragile, this thing between them; he's not sure it's not dependent on them not knowing each other well._ _

__Then again, who is he kidding? By this point Charles knows him better than anybody, and the reverse might be true as well, even if Charles has never outright come out and said it._ _

__Still, he's filled with trepidation when at the end of May Raven sits him down and says, "So, I know you talk to Charles every now and then." That bit isn't so worrying; Erik merely raises an eyebrow and nods his confirmation. But then Raven says something that begins with "You know it's his birthday in a month" and ends in, "so I was thinking we should have a small party. What do you think?"_ _

__"You want to take me to a party," Erik repeats, completely nonplussed._ _

__"Just a private one!" Raven hastens to explain. "He'll have a big one at some pub or something with all his "friends", and I think we should have something a little more private that's less focused on cheering and drinking and more on Charles."_ _

__This sounds only marginally better. Erik avoids parties, but he has learned that the bigger they are, the easier it is to leave early or at least melt into the background. "Explain."_ _

__"Well, I was thinking, me, Tony, you, maybe, and maybe Logan. Logan is his second most regular… friend, after Tony. Tony is his best friend, and I don't know what's going on between you two, but he seems to like you even though he can't slut up to you."_ _

__It's an unsubtle probing for more information – information Erik is not going to give. What's between him and Charles is difficult to explain and incredibly private. Besides, he's pretty sure Charles wouldn't want to flirt with him even if he didn't know Erik is asexual. Being so emotionally naked in front of somebody isn't sexy, Erik doesn't think._ _

__"And what would we do, at this potential party," he probes._ _

__Raven looks disgruntled that he doesn't divulge anything that goes on between her brother and him, but she moves on quickly. "Well, it's not really a party, I guess, more a social gathering of Charles' most intimate friends. There won't be any alcohol, except for a glass of wine or something at the beginning, for a toast. There will be a cake, and unhealthy food, and movies, and maybe some talking." She sees the reluctance in Erik's face and leans forward. "Erik. This will be the first birthday party for Charles that isn't loud and impersonal, because he finally has more people he's close to than just me and Tony. He's always had very shallow relationships. I don't think he knows how to be in a meaningful relationship that doesn't involve sex and or make him panic, and I want to encourage this."_ _

__She is rather spot on with this assessment, actually, even if she's missing some points. Charles doesn't have meaningful relationships because he's secretly a bit of a snob (though it's not about wealth but about personality), and also because he is incredibly afraid of losing somebody who's grown close, and also of losing control, but Erik knows this only because Charles has told him so himself._ _

__It's a bit condescending of Raven to want to "encourage" Charles' behavior, but that doesn't change the fact that Erik thinks this party would maybe be a good idea. Charles is comfortable with Raven and also mostly with Tony (even if there are a lot of things he can't talk about with Tony, but the same is true with Raven as well), and he enjoys Logan's company._ _

__"What about Emma?"_ _

__Raven raises an eyebrow. "She's a woman."_ _

__Erik narrows his eyes. "So?"_ _

__"Charles is incapable of forming emotionally healthy, meaningful relationships with women," Raven explains, rolling her eyes. "I think the only reason I had a chance is because I… well, you know."_ _

__Right. This time, she's completely off the mark. Charles is more comfortable with guys upon first meeting, but he doesn't feel different about women than he does about men. He makes no difference between either in a romantic or sexual sense. The reason Raven thinks Charles doesn't have meaningful relationships with women is because Charles tends to not bring women home because of her. He explained to Erik that Raven would be terribly catty and territorial towards his girlfriends for some reason, and even if that behavior of hers has waned with her growing comfortableness with herself it had just become habit for Charles not to bring women home._ _

__"He enjoys Emma's company, just like Logan's," Erik disagrees._ _

__This makes Raven narrow her eyes. "You really have gotten close, have you?"_ _

__Erik merely raises an eyebrow. He doesn't owe her any explanations. If Charles wants to tell her what goes on between the two of them, he can; Erik isn't going to do it, though. Charles' trust means too much to him._ _

__With a huff, Raven crosses her arms and glares at him for a bit. "Fine. Don't tell me. I _will_ find out what goes on between you eventually."_ _

__"What would there be going on?" Erik asks, getting annoyed now. "We talk. What else is there?"_ _

__For some reason, this disperses Raven's irritation. She laughs and shakes her head at him as if she knows something he doesn't, which doesn't exactly make Erik happy. "Fine, Emma can come too," she changes the topic. "So you're coming too?"_ _

__Erik really, really doesn't know if he should. He doesn't know if Charles would even want him to be there; they have rarely talked about happy things and looking at Erik will likely remind Charles of all the bad things they talked about instead. For Erik, this is probably the case as well. "I'm really not sure that's such a good idea," he hedges._ _

__"Let me be the judge of that," Raven disagrees, still smiling faintly. "Trust me, Charles would want you to be there."_ _

__This irritates Erik. "Why don't you let _him_ decide?"_ _

__"I will." Raven flaps her hand. "But I can guarantee he'll want you there."_ _

__Whatever._ _

__Annoyingly, Raven turns out to be right. A couple of hours after their meeting Charles sends him an email detailing Raven's plan, his trepidations about it (he is different people with different friends and he's not sure it would be a good idea to bring himself together like that, not to mention his worries about his friends getting along), and the words "Please come, I need you to abduct me if things go terribly wrong."_ _

__Erik has no idea at all where this is coming from. This is the sort of thing one would ask their best friend or something. It only gets more confusing when Charles immediately sends a follow-up email containing only the words, "it's totally fine if you don't want to come, I won't be hurt or anything, I know you don't like people"._ _

__This is true, and it makes him feel a bit better that Charles knows and accepts that – ironically, it's what makes him inclined to actually go. Still, he writes back, "I can bring my laptop and absolutely nobody is allowed to call me "killjoy"."_ _

__"You can even take over my bedroom and lock the door." Charles replies; Erik can't quite discern if he's being genuine or humoring him or teasing him. It doesn't matter, though, not really; for some reason it doesn't feel like mockery, coming from Charles._ _

__This is how Erik finds himself at Raven and Charles' place on June 23rd, carrying his laptop and a small present for Charles. Charles is the one who lets him in; Raven and Tony are at the giant flatscreen TV, playing some game that seems to involve a lot of cursing. Charles calls out to them informing them that Erik is here, but he only gets absent-minded "hello"'s, barely even a glance from either of them. Erik prefers it that way, it means he can give Charles his present in peace with no witnesses to watch him unwrap it and perhaps ask uncomfortable questions._ _

__It's a purple stuffed octopus, based on a comment Charles had made once – about how he felt incredibly clingy, like he had too many arms with which to hold people close, making them feel trapped, and out of fear of losing them he'd try to keep his arms rolled up so they couldn't reach out. Erik rolled up this octopus' arms and pinned them with only one stitch. "So you can unroll them, when you can," he explains, a bit embarrassed because Charles is actually getting teary-eyed._ _

__"Erik," Charles says, voice choked. " _Thank you_."_ _

__Erik feels that this amount of gratitude is in no way relative to the present – okay, he had thought about it a lot, and even when he'd already bought it he had agonized over whether it was a good idea or not, but still. In the end, it's just a stuffed octopus with rolled-up arms._ _

__But Charles clearly doesn't feel like that; he is actually sniffling now, the octopus clutched in his hands. Erik casts a helpless glance towards Tony and Raven but the two of them are still thankfully busy. Still, he makes a mental note that this place might be cursed – the last time he was here was after Christmas and Raven had cried on him. Maybe he shouldn't come anymore._ _

__Taking Charles' elbow, he quickly leads him out of the living room into the kitchen for at least a little privacy._ _

__"Sorry," Charles sniffs, and oh hell. It seemed to help with Raven, so it likely will with Charles as well; Erik awkwardly wraps one arm around him. Just like his sister, Charles immediately turns into him, pressing his face into Erik's chest. It's a good thing he's so small; it's not awkward at all when Erik wraps his other arm around him as well and just holds him for a while._ _

__Charles doesn't really cry, or if he does, he does it quietly. He only sniffles a lot, and some wetness seeps into Erik's shirt, but it's not much, and there's no sobbing, thank god. Raven sobbing had made Erik feel vaguely panicky._ _

__"Sorry," Charles eventually says, pulling away. "I just, uh." He turns away and rips off some kitchen roll so he doesn't have to face Erik when he explains, "I sometimes feel like I'm maybe bothering you with all this whining I do but you really care, don't you?"_ _

__Erik has no idea how Charles could have gotten that from the octopus, but he's not wrong, and if he has such stupid ideas to begin with, it's a good thing. "Don't be an idiot," he nevertheless says sharply. "If I didn't care I wouldn't bother to pick up the phone, or read the emails. Also, it's not whining." Erik hates the word whine. It implies childishness, and Charles isn't childish._ _

__Charles flaps his hand the same way Raven does when she's impatient or wants to wave something away; it's a bit startling to see the same gesture on two people Erik has so different relationships with. But of course that's silly, because they're actually siblings. They naturally share some mannerisms, among other things. "Yes, of course, I'm just being a bit weepy today. I don't even know where that came from." That said, Charles turns on the cold water tab and starts to wash his face._ _

__"Doesn't matter." Erik shrugs. He looks around for the kitchen roll and, once found, holds it out for Charles to dry his face with._ _

__Afterwards, Charles looks a little less messy, though he's still a little red around the eyes. He isn't embarrassed, though, and he doesn't apologize. For some reason, that pleases Erik immensely._ _

__"Come, I'll show you where you can put your things." Charles leads Erik out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room. He points to a door a little further down the hall, saying "That's my office, you can use anything you want in there too, just try not to misplace any papers or anything. And this is my room; feel free to take it over anytime you want."_ _

__Charles' room looks nice; expensive but comfy. There are pictures pinned to his wall, a lot of photos of Raven and Charles and random people Erik assume are his friends – the only person he recognizes is Tony Stark – and postcards, doodles of a DNA helix, a tree, some chibi scenes, blueprints of machines, drawings Erik knows Raven has made, other kinds of mementos like beer coasters, a dream catcher, other random things. The whole wall is full, covering the wallpaper almost completely. Erik makes a mental note to look at it closer at one point, when Charles isn't chattering away and being overly hospitable._ _

__"What the hell would I need your clothes for?" he interrupts, highly amused because Charles just offered him free reign over his wardrobe._ _

__Charles stops and flushes. "Right, of course." He rubs the back of his head with embarrassment. "Anyway. Make yourself at home."_ _

__"Thanks." Erik puts his bag down. "Are-", he starts, but the doorbell interrupts him._ _

__"Oh! That must be Emma and Logan!" With a grin, Charles takes Erik's hand and drags him downstairs; Erik is too startled to stop him. He suddenly realizes that Charles has been rather cavalier with body contact between them, and Erik hasn't even noticed enough to be uncomfortable. Very strange._ _

__He doesn't have much time to think about it, though, because the next moment the door is open and Charles has let go of his hand in order to hug a blond, elegant looking woman and a scruffy guy with sideburns._ _

__"Happy birthday _again_ , Charles," the woman, Emma, presumably, says, sounding exasperated but fond._ _

__"Yeah, what the hell is up with you celebratin' twice, Chuck?" Logan grumbles gruffly._ _

__"It was Raven's idea," Charles explains, sounding a little embarrassed. He steps back, bumping into Erik, but it feels like on purpose, because he half-turns and smiles with delight. "Erik, these are Emma and Logan. Emma, Logan, this is Erik."_ _

__"Hi," Erik says drily. He makes no motion to hug them; neither do they. There's a brief, awkward moment where they all eye each other with varying degrees of suspicion. Then Emma shifts her stance and smiles fleetingly._ _

__"Nice meeting you. I've heard _a lot_ about you." Somehow she manages to make it sound like a threat, teasing, and like a commendation all at the same time._ _

__Logan just grunts and asks, "So where's the food?" He doesn't wait for an answer, just pushes past them and makes a beeline for the kitchen. In the living room Tony and Raven are cursing at each other in a way that makes it impossible to tell who won but that shows the affection between them clearly. When he notices the newcomers, Tony throws both arms in the air. "Emma, Logan! Lights of my eyes!" he exclaims, getting up and abandoning Raven in order to hug Emma, who endures the treatment with exasperation. Logan completely ignores him, but he does brush his hand over Raven's head as he passes by. She smiles at him then turns around, apparently noticing Erik for the first time. "Erik!" she says, surprised. "I didn't know you had come." She gets up to hug him, and then she drags him towards the TV, enticing him to play a game with her. Erik is relieved for the reprieve. As demonstrated earlier by Tony and Raven, it apparently is socially acceptable to ignore guests if one is playing xbox._ _

__Erik doesn't have an xbox himself; if he wants to play games, he plays free ones on the internet. He just can't afford buying any of the fancy technological gadgets that seem to be the norm nowadays – his father and Erik put all their money towards Erik's laptop. This leaves him with a functional, not-fancy mobile and nothing else. Not that he needs any more anyway._ _

__This, naturally, means that he keeps losing spectacularly to Raven. It also means that he doesn't care much and can keep an eye on Tony, Charles and Emma. He's curious and a little bit worried. Charles had revealed to him that he was worried himself – Tony and Emma seemed to get along fine, but on occasion they'd get too sharp with each other in a way that Charles doesn't consider playful anymore. Charles has no idea why; he doesn't think it's because they are jealous because Charles has sex with them both. They had both known the score going in, Charles had argued when they had talked about it. Erik had to acquiesce that he had a point, but he doesn't think people quite work that way even if they want to._ _

__Things seemed to be going fine though; no fighting. Either they're both holding back because of the occasion, or things aren't as dire as they seemed to Charles – he has already admitted to Erik that he sometimes gets overly worked up over stuff. Still, Erik doesn't stop keeping an eye on them, only now it's not because of Tony and Emma specifically or because of the things he knows about them but simply because they're strangers to him._ _

__Emma's demeanor is cool, but she touches Charles occasionally in a casual manner that betrays her fondness of him. Tony is loud and exuberant, throwing his arm around both their shoulders and frequently bemoaning the lack of alcohol loudly. It all seems to be in jest, though._ _

__At one point Logan leaves the kitchen, chewing on a carrot. He looks grumpy and doesn't quite join any of the two groups, instead taking a chair and strategically placing it between the TV and the sofa and armchair combo near the bookshelves that Tony, Charles and Emma have taken over. It allows him to watch the game Raven and Erik are playing – Erik is starting to get the hang of it, not that it brings him any closer to actually beating Raven – and give sarcastic comments addressed either towards the TV or the sofa. Erik likes him._ _

__After Raven and Erik have played for a while – Raven doesn't even try to contain her smugness at her continuous winning, as if Erik cared either way – Tony begins calling her over. At first Raven ignores him except for leaning in and whispering to Erik that Tony is a bit jealous because he isn't her only male friend anymore, but he doesn't relent and eventually she huffs and stomps over. As soon as she vacates her spot Logan takes over both her space on the sofa and the spectacularly beating Erik ingame. To Erik it feels weirdly competitive, like Logan is trying to make a point or prove something. What, Erik has no idea – that he's better at playing video games?_ _

__Whatever it is, Erik doesn't care either way. He doesn't care who wins; he's only just managed to figure out the basic functions after all. Eventually, Logan grunts and grins at Erik. "Fine," he says, as if he's conceding a point Erik wasn't aware of making. Erik raises one eyebrow dubiously, Logan snorts and they turn back towards the TV._ _

__They don't get to play for long before there's another interruption; Emma joins them, sinking into the cozy armchair in a right angle to the couch. "They're all spoiled brats over there," she sighs with exaggerated exasperation._ _

__"You're a rich brat too," Logan returns bluntly, not looking away from the TV screen._ _

__"Honey, there's a difference between being rich and being spoiled."_ _

__Logan only growls, making Emma delicately turn up her nose._ _

__The two of them banter back and forth for a while in the manner of people still trying to figure each other out, giving Erik the opportunity to get to know both of them without having to interact. Emma, he finds, likes to insult without intent; she pretends to consider herself superior but doesn't really, at least not to the extent which she portrays. Logan is more difficult, gruff and rough and in turns taciturn and bitingly witty. Erik doesn't know what to make of either of them._ _

__After a while Erik grows bored of both them and the xbox; he cedes his spot on the sofa and heads over to the kitchen to check out the food._ _

__He's only just decided to have a pancake – the European kind, thankfully, not the thick American ones – and put it in the microwave, laden with red pepper and cheese, when Stark comes into the kitchen. He's clearly not here for the food; he grabs a bottle of coke but instead of leaving leans against the counter and looks at Erik with narrowed eyes._ _

__Erik really is not in the mood for male posturing. With a sigh, he turns towards Stark and asks curtly, "What?"_ _

__One corner of Stark's mouth twitches up. "Charles wants us to become friends."_ _

__"Does he now." Erik frowns. They had had this conversation; he had thought he had made his point and that Charles had understood. This really pisses him off now. "I don't need Charles to encourage people to befriend me," he informs Stark archly._ _

__Right on time, the microwave pings, letting Erik know that his pancake is warm and the cheese is melted. Without another word he grabs the silverware and plate and leaves the kitchen. On his way through the living room, he notes that Emma and Logan are now beating each other up on screen with Charles and Raven cheering them on. It looks like they do this regularly even though Erik knows for a fact that at least Emma is new to this group, if not as new as Erik._ _

__Charles' room is a welcome space of calm; Erik closes the door behind himself and takes a deep breath. Briefly he considers leaving altogether but that might be an overreaction and anyways he's just warmed up food for himself. He's not going to waste it and he can always leave after he's eaten._ _

__But when he's finished he's calmed down somewhat; he's still angry but mostly he's disappointed, and also rather hurt. He wouldn't have thought Charles would do this to him, not after everything they've talked about, especially Erik's aversion to encroaching._ _

__About half an hour since he left the kitchen there's a knock on the door. Charles pokes his head in, spots him and smiles hesitantly. "Hey." He comes properly into the room. "Everything alright?"_ _

__Erik frowns at him. "You told Stark to make friends with me."_ _

__Both of Charles' eyebrows fly up as he blinks. "I did not! You really hate that, I wouldn't do that."_ _

__Erik presses his lips together. "Stark told me you want us to be friends."_ _

__"Well, I do, because I think you have a lot in common actually and you would get along great, not to mention that people like Tony and you always enjoy talking to someone who's interested in exactly the same scientific area, which the two of you just happen to be!" Charles is getting worked up a little, clearly annoyed. "And that's all there is to it! I didn't pimp you out to him, and I'm not pimping him out to you, and excuse me but you're being a bit obstinate about the whole thing, Erik! I don't understand at all what your problem is but I respect your wishes, you know I do, and I would appreciate if you would give me some credit here."_ _

__Erik bites his lower lip, narrowing his eyes. "Okay."_ _

__Charles blinks. "Okay what?"_ _

__"I'm giving you some credit." Erik frowns and thinks about what Charles has said. He does have a point. He's never been anything but respectful of Erik's issues, and Erik has a number of those, he's aware. Generally he just doesn't care enough to feel apologetic or guilty about it. "Stark came to me and said that you want us to be friends."_ _

__"That's because Tony is a blunt asshole who likes prodding people," Charles says, taking a step towards Erik. He doesn't look annoyed anymore, only calm. "Look, I'm sorry. I know being in the company of strangers stresses you out, and none of my friends are easy to handle. I shouldn't have asked you to come."_ _

__"You didn't." Erik purses his lips. Charles is implying that he's acting irrational because he's stressed out, and Erik has to admit that he might be. Not much, but he's never handled stress caused by people well at all. "I'm sorry. You didn't- your friends are acting vaguely hostile towards me. I don't understand why."_ _

__"Uh." Charles ducks his head and walks over to the bed, sitting down. "That might slightly be my fault, I think. I'm sorry." He pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them._ _

__Erik waits, watches as Charles bites his lower lip. He really has a red mouth. "I, uh. May have mentioned you every now and then in conversation. They're terribly curious, and they don't handle that gracefully." He grimaces and manages to still look fond during it. "They're all assholes." Raising an eyebrow, Charles looks at him pointedly. "For some reason, all my best friends are."_ _

__That's not at all subtle, but it's true, Erik has to give him that. Taking a deep breath, he decides to let it go; maybe he overreacted a little, but even if he didn't, it was largely a misunderstanding. He gets up and sits down next to Charles. "You have a type, clearly," he teases. He waits until Charles huffs a laugh before asking. "Why have you been talking about me?" And what, he also wants to know. Merely out of curiosity; the things they talk about aren't exactly the sort of thing you'd mention in passing conversation. He trusts Charles not to have repeated anything he told him in confidence, if only because there's so much Charles told him in return._ _

__Charles sends him a look. "You've got to be the most oblivious person I have ever come across."_ _

__Erik returns the look with narrowed eyes. "Explain."_ _

__"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Charles flushes and picks at his socks with a mutinous expression. "I, well. I have a bit of a crush on you."_ _

__That renders Erik completely speechless. He never would have expected that._ _

__Apparently growing nervous with his silence, Charles starts to babble. "I never meant to tell you; I'm not sure why I'm doing so now. I guess it's because I think you have a right to know. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, and I know you're asexual, and I don't expect anything from you. I really don't. Nothing has to change."_ _

__"Okay," Erik says, voice wavering a little. To his knowledge, nobody has ever had a crush on him. He really, really does not know what to do. He wants to ask why, how, why, but that would probably not be the polite thing to do. "Do your friends know?"_ _

__Charles snorts. "I'm fairly sure they have figured it out." He slants a look at Erik. "It might be another reason they're so curious. And, well. They don't share well, at least not if they don't want to."_ _

__That makes Erik frown. "Are they jealous? But we're not going to have sex." And they're not. Erik has absolutely no desire whatsoever to have sex. He knows that sexual attraction is no prerequisite for sex, but he's never felt the slightest inclination._ _

__"Doesn't mean I wouldn't still like to," Charles says dryly. "Also, just to make that clear, I'm not actually in love with any of them. Well, with Tony in a sort of non-romantic way, and I am rather fond of Emma, but it's all non-romantic."_ _

__Erik furrows his brows. "And with me you are?"_ _

__"I'm not sure, actually." Charles pulls his shoulders up. "I just sort of want to do things with you. Non-sexual things, I mean. I don't really have much experience in that area." He puts his chin on his knees, a lost expression on his face._ _

__"Me neither," Erik confesses. "Maybe we can figure it out together."_ _

__Looking up, Charles frowns at him. "What do you mean? You're not-"_ _

__"No," Erik says quickly. "I don't think so, no. But you didn't really think nothing would change, did you?"_ _

__Mutely, Charles shakes his head._ _

__Nothing much changes after that, at least ostensibly. Charles and Erik still talk about their very private thoughts, but increasingly only via email anymore, which makes it a bit less intimate. They also start meeting up in person every now and then. "I never wanted to meet up because I was worried you'd notice," Charles confesses to Erik when they talk about it. Erik doesn't mind meeting up because it generally involves the library, or food, or the xbox. Raven starts acting a little catty at first, which Charles explains to Erik is because she's jealous; apparently the two of them have a couple of fights about it during which it might or might not come up that Raven "had Erik first". It's ridiculous and Erik informs Raven of that. Their relationship doesn't change at all just because Erik spends some time with Charles as well. She gets over it._ _

__But Erik thinks a lot. He thinks about what Charles wants from him, and how that makes him feel; every now and then he springs a question on Charles in the hopes that Charles will be okay with answering if Erik doesn't make it an interrogation. It doesn't quite work until Erik reassures Charles that he isn't uncomfortable, that he isn't going to distance himself from Charles because he can't deal with it._ _

__"I just want to talk to you all the time," Charles tells him over the phone one evening. "It's silly because we don't really talk that much – well we talk more often now, about all sorts of stuff, but we didn't use to." He sounds embarrassed about it. "You're an incredibly good listener, and you're very thoughtful and perceptive. You don't let me get away with anything." In a follow-up email to that conversation, he writes: "All the things I want to do, I want to do with you. I make plans for the future, and I think about your place in it. I want to give you everything you want, and I know you wouldn't want that so I don't, but I just think about making you happy a lot."_ _

__It's very strange to hear that sort of thing about himself. Erik does think about himself and how he behaves, but not to that extent; he certainly doesn't view himself in such a positive light. The most alien thing is that Erik doesn't consciously _do_ any of the things Charles tells him he appreciates about Erik. He doesn't set out to be a good listener, he's just generally interested in Charles' thoughts and opinions. Neither would he ever have described himself as thoughtful, nor perceptive. Some people just don't seem to think things through._ _

__"You're blunt," Charles says at a different point. "I really like that, nobody is surprised, all my friends are blunt, but you aren't rude like Logan, or insolent like Tony, or condescending like Emma. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking with all of them – though I admittedly don't do much talking with Logan, he isn't really a person of many words – but you're different."_ _

__Erik just doesn't know what to do with that. That's just how he _is_ , it's not anything he sets out to be. He doesn't know what Charles expects from him; how can Erik do anything about these things? It's completely out of his control._ _

__It takes him a while to come to terms with that. He knows it's silly, Charles clearly is perfectly happy with the way Erik is and doesn't want for him to be any different. But he's never looked at himself the way Charles looks at him, and he's not at all used to actually being noticed. To being _seen_. Being friends with Raven had prepared him a little for it, but not to this extent._ _

__Shortly before the new year starts, they have a talk. It's four am and Charles, Raven and Erik have been talking the whole evening, the siblings sipping red wine from wide glasses and Erik red grape juice from the same type of glass. He has a feeling the glasses are more expensive than Erik's laptop, but he doesn't like to think about that sort of thing._ _

__They didn't set out to talk about anything in particular; they talked about just about everything and didn't go to bed yet. The thing is, Raven apparently met a guy, someone who works in the same lab Charles uses, and all conversations with her lately loop back to him. Hank is shy and awkward (according to Charles) and adorable and gentle (according to Raven). Raven has a crush, and she's both delighted and terrified with it._ _

__"I just have never actually wanted to have sex with someone I actually know," Raven says eventually. Erik is fairly sure the wine has loosened her tongue. "I know neither of you can relate but what do you think?"_ _

__"I have never actually wanted to have sex with anybody," Erik says. There's no wine to loosen his tongue and he's sort of uncomfortable with the topic, but mostly he's just happy to be talking to someone who doesn't care that sex is supposed to be a taboo topic._ _

__"The only thing I want from other people, if there is anything I want from them to begin with, is sex," Charles says. "Excepting Erik."_ _

__"Oh, are we talking about this now?" Raven sits up straight, eyes attentive._ _

__Charles' brows furrow. "Talking about what?"_ _

__"Your epic crush on Erik," she clarifies._ _

__"There is no-" Charles interrupts himself and glances at Erik. Flushing, he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "Who am I kidding, there actually is an epic crush on Erik."_ _

__Erik would prefer if they went back to talking about sex, actually. "What is there to talk about?" he asks in the hope that they'll change the topic on their own._ _

__"No, no, this is awesome," Raven says. "I have an epic crush on Hank, and Charles has an epic crush in you. Finally something we have in common!"_ _

__"We have more in common than that!" Charles protests, but Raven waves him away._ _

__"Charles is for the first time romantically attracted to someone without panicking, and I'm for the first time sexually attracted to someone without panicking!" She raises her glass and holds it out towards Charles, who sighs and chinks glasses with her._ _

__"But you and Hank will probably get together at one point," Charles argues. "Erik and I won't."_ _

__Raven blinks, Erik blinks. "Why not?" she asks, eying Charles._ _

__Embarrassed, Charles glances towards Erik. "Raven," he protests._ _

__"No, really." She narrows her eyes at him. "You could totally be together. You don't need to have sex for that, you can just keep doing whatever you're doing with whoever you're doing it with."_ _

__"Don't make Erik uncomfortable," Charles chides. "He doesn't feel that way about me."_ _

__"I can speak for myself, Charles," Erik says mildly._ _

__Charles blinks and turns to stare at him. "Do you- what are you saying?"_ _

__Uncomfortable with the naked hope that briefly flits across Charles' face until he manages to hide it, Erik stares at the floor. "Just that from the things you've said you want to do with me. Well, I want to do those things with you too."_ _

__"Oh," Charles makes, voice small. When Erik looks up to him, he, to his alarm, finds that Charles' eyes are very wide and very watery._ _

__"Oh, Charles," Raven says, voice soft. She puts her glass on the table and scoots over, wrapping an arm around her brother._ _

__"No, I'm fine," Charles croaks. "I just didn't think-" He takes a deep, shuddering breath._ _

__"Erik," Raven chides. "You didn't tell him? I thought you talked about it."_ _

__"It's not his fault, we _have_ talked about it," Charles jumps in, voice still hoarse, but at least he isn't crying. Raven keeps widening her eyes at Erik, clearly trying to tell him something, but he has no idea what until she nods her head emphatically towards Charles._ _

__Putting his own glass away, Erik gets up and sits on Charles' other side. "I don't really know what it feels like to be in love," he says quietly. "I've been trying to figure it out. That's why I asked you all these questions. I'm thinking, going by what you told me and by what I've researched… I'm fairly sure I'm in love with you as well."_ _

__He's not sure he wants to kiss Charles. He's not even sure he wants to cuddle, even though he's always thought he might want to, eventually, with the right person; all he knows for sure is that he wants Charles. Not just the way he has him right now, as a friend, if a close one; he wants to actually have something with more clearly defined boundaries. Something that expresses how important Charles has become to him. What's most telling to him is that he's comfortable imagining introducing Charles as his boyfriend, or being introduced as his boyfriend._ _

__Charles doesn't say anything, doesn't make any noise at all, but he reaches out, takes Erik's hand. Squeezing tightly, he takes several deep, calming breaths. "Okay," he says. "Okay. That's good."_ _


End file.
